How to never get invited hiking again

Have you been invited on yet another hike to an incredible peak? Make this the last time that ever happens by following this handy guide.

Your hiking party doesn’t know how lucky they are that they invited you along, so be sure to remind them whenever there’s a lull in the conversation. You spent an entire weekend on the Pacific Crest Trail back in 2002, and have since skimmed through three guidebooks on native plants.

Make sure you tell everyone the proper way to adjust his or her hiking poles. Oh, and don’t forget to remind them of that time you met Bear Grylls at the In-N-Out Burger.

Hiking is a great way to get rid of the food that you don’t like. Nothing satisfies intense mid-hike hunger like kale chips, right? Bring plenty of healthy food so you can show your trail party how health-conscious you are. When your stomach starts grumbling and you feel faint, you can always ask for half of your friend’s tuna sandwich and Snickers bar. He won’t mind.

There’s nothing your friends would rather listen to than your complaints; detail the type and intensity of your pain every 10 yards or so, and stop to rub your sores for extra effect. Bonus points if you refuse pain medication or bandages. Sigh often.

More things not to do here…

 

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